he wants to bone in the snuggie
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
