I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i drank out of a bidet.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
