party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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