Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
