if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
