I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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