I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
