Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
