Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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