Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
