Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
