I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
