are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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