I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize