Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
should my penis look like a turkey
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
