i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
