if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
