i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
