if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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