I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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