i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
