naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
