I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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