so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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