Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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