My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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