My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
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Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
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Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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