I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
