I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
