What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
