Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
