I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
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I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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