Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
