You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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