I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
