Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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