I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
