Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
