he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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