I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I will be naked everywhere
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
