My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
