Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
