I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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