My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just puked most of my soul out..
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