70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
