I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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