I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
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I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
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yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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