I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
