fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
