so let's talk penis.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
