I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
