You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
