My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just had sex bonerless
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
