Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
