I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
two words: eviction party
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
