Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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