Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
