No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
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"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
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I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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